me and betty's face painting of the deathly hallow sign. hahaha

lalalaaa i will get this month over withhhhh lalalaaaa

i will get this senior seminar overrr withhhhh lalalaa

but the truth is, we all the same

on different teams, but it's all the same

the objective, tryna score.

i am not happy.

although you're basically the closest person to me in my life right now, i feel that i just can't have deep conversations with you. i don't know why.. maybe because i feel that you won't understand? or maybe we just don't talk about those things. i don't like that missing piece of the puzzle. but i'm gladd jessi is someone i can talk to about anything and everything because i think she does understand to a level that you can't.

:/

i've started on my personal statement. i have less than 500 words. and i feel like i'm done. this is nottt goood.

"how do you know if a test is legit? what test do you think isn't legit?"

Kdang: SAT.

ahahahah that made my day. so i'm just another average kid out of the 7 billions of people. lol i knew i wasn't special anyways :( maybe just to my mom.

my mom is the only person that can make my heart stopped...in a scary way. ever since that time in elementary school, i get so paranoid when i find out she's physically hurt. i can't describe that feeling you get when you think you're gna lose someone.. in an instant. like i didn't think of it when i was little, of course... but now i don't know. lol

today, that feeling when i knew she was okay after hearing her scream ...wow.

one of the reasons why i dislike talking to my dad is because all he wants to talk about is money, money, and money. -_____-

i've spent the last hour reading my past post all the way to '08. hahaha :)

so i guess my life's gotten much less stressful since my SAT is over for now and we're finally on our own for senior seminar. but i dunno, senior year isn't as fun as i woulda supposed it would. i think i'm just letting some things hold me back.

.....lol.

i'm so tired

so tired of my parents not being supportive in me. my mom yelled at me for leaving the house so early in the morning.. but she doesn't even know where i went. me and my sister both know that it doesn't matter if i "tried my best" on the SAT. it's either you know it or you don't and if you don't, you're stupid. that's why neither of us told my parents anything. & all i did was accept it.

i miss those conversations where we'd actually talked about meaningful things... not just the usual "whatchu doing"questions. we don't even ask each other about how your day was.

just gna go with the floww for the SAT... but i'm freaken scared for the expertise test for paulson! :(

hahah how ironiccc.

ahhh..

this is way harder than i thought it would be.

i feel that this thing called pride prevents us from doing things we want to do.. or saying things we want to say to someone. well it makes sense that it does that, but i don't know.. it would be so much easier. i hate to admit things sometimes like i reaaally hate it and i can't say it cause my pride is holding me back. lol i think the same goes to you :p

okay back to hw!

Katniss

Katniss walks through the forest all alone

rejecting any kind of affection

like a porcupine that recoils when touched.

She climbs trees that give her a lift every time.

On top of the world, she likes the deafening silence

of the forest animals around her.

As much as she likes the animals… there is no one compared to herself.

There is no one she can trust, thus leaving her with such loneliness.

The responsibilities she has weighs like a ton, restraining her from love.

However, upon seeing her own reflection in a lake, Katniss has fallen in love…

Allusion poem reference to Echo & Narcissus.

inhale.. & exhale all that bullshit.

i love reading birthday cards that people spend time on. it makes me so happpyy :)

jess, kimbo, &swaaang! <3

i'm turning 18 tomorrow and my sister's leaving tomorrow morning. lol

birthday present to meee? ahah jkk!

it's quite hard for me to be genuinely happy right now..

you're leaving

i miss you

you're gna find a better girl-friend in college

i'm fucken lonely at school

they're all acquaintances

pretending to be happy at school

trying not to cry everyday

hate what i've become

keep telling myself time will heal.

yes,

it shall

& it will.

thug life.

enough with the emo posts shizzzz.

After what happened, it's kinda hard for me to tell you anything anymore because I feel that you're just gna tell someone, someone that you're closer with now. It's like I lost a bit of trust in you when you broke my heart. I can't even believe what you say without being a least bit doubtful. I don't even know if you mean the things you say...or do you even care? Cause everything I say, you reply with something not relevant. You're always so distracted..

Sighh..I don't even know anymore.

maybe you're just a bit more clueless than the rest of the male population, but i'm fucken hurt. i bet you tell her everything too btw. and you fucken KNOW i see her everyday every single period. so yeah, fuck me cause i would have to put an act like i don't care everygoddamday.

what happened between us should stay between us. i'm keeping my part, are you?

only coming to me in instances of boredom,

never in moments of happiness.

"and games that never amount

to more than they're meant

will play themselves out"

I make this difficult right now...so it'll be easier to let go

i realized that when i'm mad at something and i'm still not over it.... i'll get mad at everything.

now wouldn't that be nice

to share together

a moment of your time

is all i need to say forever

cause you take me to another level

without regret to where i'm going

so anyplace is fine

as long as i am knowing

that i have you

so i'm thankful for the chance

to share this opportunity

for both of us to take a glance

into our future

just to see what can become of it

our own lover's rock type of story

would be the ultimate

cause i would share that life

if you'd meet me halfway

and i think you'd do the same

cause this doesn't involve games

it's just the truth

and i hope you can believe me

that once i have you in my arms

you'd be the piece that would complete me

Chest to chest

Nose to nose

Palm to palm

We were always just that close

Wrist to wrist

Toe to toe

Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose

So, how come when I reach out my finger

It feels more than distance between us

kinda overdue..

i think my summer was pretty awesome because i enjoyed myself. i didn't spend it volunteering at an elementary school and be bored to death or volunteer at a hospital with nothing much to do or paid couple thousands of dollars to feed my insecurities or even studied for the SAT. yeah i know that's kinda bad since it's my senior year, but i'm not gna regret it though. i didn't wanna do something that i wasn't gna enjoy for my summer.. i mean i'm gna look back and be like OH YEAHH i spent my summer having fun and not stuck in some books. naaawwmeaaan? :)

and i'd like to say senior year is booombb so far ^___^ i'm enjoying it and not letting the little things get to me. :) now to start on scholarships and personal statements. leeeeggo!

yay! my classes are exactly what i want maybe not mand 3 cause.. it's gna be hard. lol whatevers, not stressin about it tho. i talked to dennis today about the tutoring job and he says im probably gna work at the boyle heights stationn.. but we get paid more haha i was so happy! lol but we don't work till next month or so.. it's allll gooooood. i'm hoping that kevin can be my partner for the senior seminar project because i feel that i wouldn't work comfortably with anyone else in the class since i'm awkward like that. yeeeeuh. i wanna do a project something with FOOOD. :D i shall have an epiphany 3 times and turn in 3 ideas to paulson. hahaha

and how dare kevin criticize my blogging! :p

per1: ap lit

per2: shakespeare something something

per3: service for fatima!

per4: ap econ

per5: mand3

per6: senior seminar

per7: homeee

per8: HOMEE!

i just noticed i have sherry for almost everything.. except for service and leadership. hahaha <3

hell yeaaahhhh blogspot works on school internet! :DD it is 10:17am right now and i am servicing for mrs romero flores. it's third period math analysis :o the class she gave me a B in the second semester. yup! ^__^

i honestly think i'm a boring person.. lol

talking to brian thong made me realize how much of a depressed middle schooler i was. lol

i had a blast todaay :)) i hung out with my mom and wen. i loveee making fun of my momm.. she's so cuuuteee ahhhhh ahaha ^___^ and then bryan and i went for a walk at lincoln parrkkk. i haven't laughed like that in a longg timee, where i had to stop walking and bend over laughingg hahah :D

<3

'Let me be patient

let me be kind

make me unselfish

without being blind

I may have faith

to make mountains fall

but if I lack love

then I am nothing at all'

i'm so proud of myself!

i have saved up $275! that doesn't seem like a lot.. but i haven't asked my parents for money this whole summer too so i think that's an accomplishment :)))

haha the beauty of things when it's cleared. :)

woke up just to share this

"Every atom of your flesh is as dear to me as my own; in pain and sickness it would still be dear. Your mind is my treasure, and if it were broken, it would be my treasure still: if you raved my arms should confine you, and not a strait waistcoat- your grasp, even in fury, would have a charm for me: if you flew at me as wildly as that woman did this morning, I should receive you in an embrace, at least as fond as it would be restrictive. I should not shrink from you with disgust as I did from her: in your quiet moments you should have no watcher and no nurse but me; and I could hand over you with untiring tenderness, though you gave me no smile in return; and never weary of gazing into your eyes, though they no longer a ray of recognition for me."

I love this. :)

finally ate ice cream wit kdangg! :D hahah too bad we didn't have time to eat :/ next time! sorry i hadda work and didn't get to talk to you lol

two more weeks of summer vacation and then schooool... :(

"I resisted, all the way: a new thing for me, and a circumstance which greatly strengthened the bad opinion Bessie and Miss Abbot were disposed to entertain of me.

oh the beauty of books written in the 19th century. <3

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

3:00am

late night fray time

<3

my dad's ideal family is doing things together, sharing, being nice.. and what not. somehow i can't imagine being all that to her. she's everything i strive not to be.. personality wise.. and well, maybe everything else. you may not understand how this came to be, but there's a history that you'll never know. & all you'll know is what i let you know.. o0o0o that sounded so smart. lol

i've fallen

....shit

i hate being at home. everyone hates each other and give each other attitude. i feel like this is never gna changee.. sighhh

i don't even know how to explain today. it started with my sister telling me i got a 1 on the apcalc exam cause luu told her, which i saw coming, but not the words after that. i had to get away so i went to stephen's house for a kickback with an unsettling feeling. and then i came home to have even more hurtful words fired at me because i didn't "even get a 2 cause you get a 1 for writing your name." well, too bad i couldn't continue the legend of getting a 4 or 5 on ap exams since both of you did. sorry for not being smart in math. sorry for not continuing that legend of passing all the aps. sorry for "disappointing" you. sorry for not being fucken asain. you didn't think i tried hard? fuck, you try getting a B/A for V. you don't think i feel bad for getting a 1? why do you even have to make it worse? ... i act like it doesn't bother me. what else can you do? cry? well that's what i fucken did in front of you. for 17 years, i don't remember a day where i cried in front of you because of emotional hurt. i told you i wasn't going to pass, not because i didn't believe in myself, but because I KNOW. so yeaa, fuck you.

all i wanted was someone to talk to when i'm troubled or needed some weight lifted off; that's where you come in you know? too bad it didn't go that way.

SO FUCK YOU ALL.

i'm so troubled. >< my heart's not in it anymore.. but my mind says to keep going and we'll see. i just don't know if it'll be worth it.

today i spent my day with jessicaa<3 we decided to ditch practice and make dumplings instead. i woke up around 12 and we went to the school so i can turn in this paper and on the way we bumped into perla and mari teheheh.. shhh :) and then we went to ct and bought the ingredients and then had a viet sandwich for lunchh. we went to my house and made dumplingss, which jessica has accomplished today! :D they were gooood :) after eating dumplings we went to her house and had sopes ^___^ then we tried to watch a movie on netflix but it didn't work so we just played 2k11. it was my first time and i beat jess! muhahaha! then we went to cypress and mario kissed me on the cheeks in the car and then we were goalies for soccer.. but we were scared lmaoo so we went to the gym and watched people play basketball and then watch people do aztec dancing.. it looks like a workout hahah then we ate ice cream and swung on the swings which i can go higher than jess at! muahaha again! lol and then i pushed mario on the swings :D another good day jess :)

bucket list for summer of 2k11

1. ice cream w/ kdang “long overdue”
2. run in the corn field at least once
3. learn to swim
4. eating adventures with jesssica <3
5. save money for senior year.
6. read some amazing books (any suggestions?)
7. study for the sat (?)
8. do something for myself
9. & be happy :)

;)

Since I haven’t done this in a while, here goes nothing! So today started off by Jennifer and Xiaoiee texting me about practice. I actually didn’t wanna wake up since I was having such a good sleep but what the heck, got up anyway. I then proceeded to eat a sammich and made Xiaoiee one (which she later threw up during practice) since she needed to be ‘reminded’ of how delicious they are. ;) Soooo I was waiting for my momma but that nigga kept laggin’ it and shieeeet sooooooo yeeah blah! I then found Xiao on the ramp waiting for me to walk to practice, I had the sammich in my hand cause I didn’t want it to get squished in my duffle baaaag. And then she then ran to me and was like “AWWWW! Is that for me?” And I was like NO. and she was like YEAH IT IS! And I said No! in a serious face and then she got all sad, and i was like just keeding fucker! it’s yours .. and then she tried to hug me! GROSSSS! Then we walked up to the gym, only to find all the gates closed. So I just jumped over it, and Xiao was like you would be good at jumping gates. LOL Then Huff wasn’t even there so we waited for him and then that man started killing us slowly. We were all dying during freaking Tiger drill, but no apparently we still had to keep going cause we weren’t quick enough. Yeah yeah yeah, then after dying and reviving myself we did some offense plays, WHICH NEVER WORK DURING GAMES! But that’s okay.. waste time during practice just running around. So yeah, there was like 6 seniors on one side of the court.. and SOMEHOW by total coincidence I ended up with the sophomores, which I thought was horrible. But we kept scoring on the seniors, heeeeey ;D lame asses. During practice I noticed, I do the weirdest things. I randomly start dancing, or hitting on people, or grabbing people boooobies ;) hahaha! So yeah, after practice was interesting. While walking down to the rec, Socorro made me .. hold her bike while she was riding it? Freaking awkward! Once at the rec to see the Summer Ballin’ group .. well ballin’ during the summer ya know? They play hella interesting games, after that Jennifer wanted a shrimp taco and Katty wanted carne asada fries. So our journey continued, at the shrimp taco place, we saw this HUGE tapatio bottle and Jennifer and Katty were contemplating whether to take it or not. After we got Jennifer’s shrimp taco and while walking to the taco place, Katty was like HERE you go babygurl! and hands Jennifer the tapatio bottle, like THE FUCK? Hella slick gurl! ;D hahaha. Once we got to the place we ate and stuff and just sat there doing nothing. Then Katty started yelling so weirdly and we were like the fuck? and we saw the hugest cockroach EVER! So .. interesting! Then we were like Ahhh let’s leave but apparently Jennifer has to do things on an even number, so we waited for an even time? hahaha Once we walked back to Xiaoiee’s house we decided to go on her porch cause her room was TOO hot! And we were just talking, then we went to eat dinnnah that Mommaaahbear made, which was gooood cause I love that thing she made<3 we then, went outside and she painted my nails and we were just sitting conversating about life while Sistaahbear played Adele in the background. It was very soothing summer music, unlike lame elevator music that makes Xiao want to shoot herself but when in reality you can’t really shoot yourself cause then you don’t want people to think you’re kerrrrrrazy. But then again it’s not like that hoood nigga has a gun, she ain’t that hood! ;) hahaha We pretty much sat there til the sun went down since we were enjoying the breeze, the very so chillay breeze because we loved the way it made our faces feel and how our hair would blow in the wind even though our hair were tied up cause of practice, a very lovely yet fucking horrible practice. While sitting there, we were hella messing with this certain individual and maaaaan Xiaoiee and I are so freaking hilarious when we’re tired! Hella cracking jokes about errrrrthang! Good day Xiaoiee good day!

-jessicadelarosaaaa<3 from tumblr :D

technically this is my last summer of high school because the one before college doesn't really count, so kevin and i are making a to do list for THIS summer! and i shall post it up when we complete it because we are making one togetherrr righttt?

so anyways, i've been thinking about next yearr.. how different if would be since the seniors are not gna be here. i feel like ima be so lonely LOL well there's sandy and a few guys i can hang out with, but besides them i feel lost.. hahah sounds lame. i realized i don't talk to my grade that muchh but enoughhh. hahaha whateverrrrssss. also, i wonder how different i'd be if i went to verdugo o__O seriously, like would i be the same person? probably not, i'd probably be afraid of my own neighborhood like betty. LOL i think lincoln somewhat makes you a tougher person because of all the things that happen and it opens our eyes to the things i would never encounter at verdugo. and btw i do believe that it's easier to get into a better college at verdugo. there's so much competition at lincoln... i feeel like a failureee compared to them. :( lol

sidenote: i know how i hang out with a lot of guys, but every now and then my dad reminds me of how much of a jerk they can be.. i don't think my dad had ANY right to yell at my mom for not doing enough at home. like i don't know maybe it's because she's working two jobs to make up for what you don't do, or maybe it's because she's so tired she can't even make dinner sometimes? or maybe it's because you expect so much out of her.. i don't get why you keep pushing me to get a job and work when my mom's the one telling me to have fun. always ticks me off.



.... i need something to do.

-________-

i don't like this at all. i don't like your relationship with her AT ALL. you have your own choice of friends, of course... but that's my sister. and i don't like her. maybe i'm being selfish about this and i can admit it, but i know that i don't like it... for sure. ><

i'm slowly falling in love with adele's new album.. hahaha

kinda late, but idc!

i don't know how else to say this, but that fire in me burnt out long time agoo and i don't know how to light it back up.

it's funny.. how you're coming to me for money. it just kinda shows me that i can't even depend on you sometimes.

oh yeah i forgot

i'll never forget this year because the people closest to me made it unforgettable! i love you guysssss! :D

jd; bl; cd; sw; sj; bu; dl. <3

i look back at this year and so much has happeneddd... like a lotttttt. i learned so many things too that i'll carry with me throughout my lifee. i'll miss those meaningful lectures from nagaoka because he makes one awesome philosopher. imma miss my first hard non-honors class which is us history. hahah i actually learned a lot from conde and i like how i made new friends outside of my group. i liked my physics class cause i got to spend time with people imma miss :/ i didn't like pe cause huff talks a lot. i love my calculus class even though i may have hated it in the beginning. i don't like mandarin but it taught me to at least try to keep my culture..haha it's hard to bear the class if you didn't really have anyone in class to talk to. and i miss my leadership classs :(

although this basketball season wasn't as fun as i hoped it would be.. i learned to not do something just because you feel like you have to.. but do it because you love it(which adds on to what nagaoka taught me). i also learned to love the tiny things people oversee..i don't know why but i love the little quirks of people :) it's what makes them.. THEM. i learned to do some things without thinking cause those are the funnest and most memorable moments ( mcdonald's drive through) hahah and i love my friends <3 they make me laugh and enjoy life and experience different thingss.


SENIORRR YEAAARR BABBBBYY~

finals are mostly over for me already.. since some of my teachers made us take it the week before finals. so now i just sit in the class for 3 hours and do basicallly nothinggg. it sounds fun right? but it's not when you don't have friends in your classes! :'( whateverrrs, today i went to the senior awards night and i see my sister get so many scholarships and my parents so happy; i wonder if it'll be the same next year.. lmaoo they already know i'm not :/ BUT WHATEVERS. idc...!

anyways, we had our party for calc today.. and it totally beat the stats classs! hahah we watched star trek, which is preeeetty goood! i wanna watch it again :) and then after we ate most of the foood (there was a lot cause of bryan) me and bryan kinda, i think, wrestled! LOL funny shit :D

i am completely content with my life right now.. i can't ask for more :)

maybe except for finals.

prom

i never thought i would go to prom as a junior. wait, i never even thought of going to prom. it may seem as like nothing special, but it is.. cause it's like basically the last dance you'll ever get to have with some people. the last time you'll see everyone dressed up. this really makes me cherish every special moment i'm spending with my friendss cause some i may see in the future and some i may never see again, but they were a part of my lifee.. and i'd like to remember all the good times with them :)

now next year, my goal is to make as much as my friends go to all the dances and stuff so we won't regrett ^___^

what do i dooo..

"tell me where it hurts and i'll love all the hurt awaay" -mymp

i'm so desperate atm.. it kinda makes me laugh at myself. i'm so desperate to find something i CAN do to lessen your burdens. i feel as if you're all alone on this... while we just watch. you don't complain oneee bit even when i ask you if you're tired. all you say is "it's nothing i haven't done before." you reallyy are the strongest woman i know.

the difference one person can make in your life..

is like thiiiiiiiiisssssss much *open arms wide* :D if you look at the positive ways they changed you, even if you guys are friends or not anymore, it made you stronger..

and i have the cutest boyfriend in the world by the wayy :D

this is what i get for expecting too much out of someone..

what a total fucktard i am.

i hate myself for letting people have the ability to make me the happiest person in the world and also making me feel like shit.

calculus exam.

in about 10 hours i will take my calculus exam along with a few thousand others.. lol for some reason i have this gut feeling that i'm not going to pass... and i'm okay with that. i learned that i'm not gna be as smart as my sisters or the people around me at school and that my mom will still love me if i don't pass. lol so i'm okay with the thought. it's just kinda hard to accept that it'll be the first exam i don't pass hahaha beeeeesides english. i dunno, i can pass v's class and his test, but the exam just throws me off. i rather study something i can remember straight from the book; i think i'm better at those things. what happens will happen. so be it :)

i misss youu

i wonder if you do too :/

you have two daughters; i'm not the only one that have legs and can actually do work around the house. i don't mind doing things, but i hate how you never tell her to do shit cause she's "weaker". NAH that doesn't account for anything.

ahaha i'm stupid

my mind is about to go crazy with these thoughts.

• i'm gna fail the calc exam.
• i'm a bad gf.
• i make people sad too often.
• i've become so less dependent on mySELF.
• i don't like half of the people following me on tumblr.
• i feel bad for my parents.
• i don't know what to do.
• why am i so irritatedd??

maybe it's me; maybe it's you, but i really hate being misunderstoood. i may have my negative thoughts about certain stuff, but you should really ask me before you blame yourself. ahhh shit this doesn't even make sensee..>< whatever, i'm really tired.

one of those moods where every little thing pisses you offfffff. especially when someone says something stupid, but at the wrong time.

hi

i have neglected you for quite a while blogspot :(

i miss you