finally, i feel content and satisfied with my life right now. i haven't been able to feel this way since summer.. i guess it's cause i've opened up my eyes and prioritized my shit. i now know what i was and i have some sort of direction in my life... i feel.. good. :)

btw, i'm switching my major to psychology! 

so today on library walk there was a national depression day event going on where you can fill out a sheet and professional psychologists can talk to you about your paper. i decided to fill it out with steph and i talked to one of the psychologist and he told me that i should schedule an appointment and talk to them about the possibility of having post traumatic stress. the symptoms are shown through my test and i might be secretly depressed. like wow lol i guess everything is taking a toll on me because i just can't escape since people won't freaken leave me alone. i don't understand why people that graduate high school already still do high school shit. it's like people can't move on and like to put other people down so they can feel superior. i don't understand people like that. i don't understand how do people have so much time to do stupid and ignorant stuff like that. i don't understand their mentality and i don't think i want to.

everyone's leaving, but i feel some sort of comfort in this kind of leaving. sure, people are going off in their own directions and you may not see them for quite some time, but just think of all the places they'll go.. they're dependent on themselves, something we haven't gotten the chance to do, and figuring out life as it goes. me as well.. just think of all the experiences we'll go through and the lessons learn. i'm so happyyyyy and content with life, even with all the strings attached. lol maybe i just can't wait to get away from my dad hahahahaha :p

i think it was during the backyard boogies in summer bridge where i saw this beautiful tree. it struck me with this kind of glow. i dunno the shape of the tree was naturally perfect and it seemed as if all the lighting shined on that tree only. i guess it was the fact that the trees surrounding it were just dull, which made that tree even more beautiful.. man it definitely stood out.

i honestly want to spend time with people before i leave to sd, but the fact that i have no money holds me back. stupid me didn't take any loans so now i'll be using all my savings from work to pay for one quarter. and i'll be left with nothing until i start working at school for the next two quarters. like damnit i'll be working my freshman yearrr.. nooooooooooooooooo. i hate this feeling.

it's moments and days like these where i question our friendship.

you expect so much from me.. and i don't know what to do.

most of the time, i don't do anything so that you won't be disappointed in me and i won't be someone i'm not.  

i asked some of my friends the other day if they were excited to go to college yet and they didn't even wanna talk about the subject cause they didn't wanna leave. lol it's weird cause that's all i've been wanting to do. i kinda can't wait cause there isn't anything left for me here.. i wanna see what's out there for me in the world. i feel so limited staying in LA. i mean i love LA, but there's only so much to do lol i can't wait for new experiences! i can't wait to go college shopping with my sister! i can't wait to pack up! i can't wait for the two hour drive! i just can't wait for collegeee. i'm most excited about leaving home than anything though. LOL

i know forsure ima miss some people so much.. those that stick to me <3

that feeling of being so easily replaced.

i want to meet that person that's not going to give up on me no matter how much i push them away. i want to be that one person they can't live without. i want to be that person they can't easily replace. i want to meet that person that's gna make me want to change into someone better.

i keep wanting to go to college already to kinda of get away from everything. to get away from parents, you, and responsibilities. but no matter how hard i try to run away, you're everywhere.

what bothers me the most is that people doubt my words and still think that i'm hanging around. i know i shouldn't care about what others think about me... but i just don't know what to do anymore to make people believe me.

i miss the old you.

the one i'd have a conversation so easily.. the one who didn't care about his looks.. the one who didn't judge me.. the one i got to know. or knew at least.

the old you, who cared.


but i guess since you left before like 2 years ago, you can do it again anytime.

i just hate myself for caring so much. lol fuck me

i guess ima miss high school.. but i still hate all of you. LOL

only through the ups and downs can you tell who's a true friend and who's not. no downs, no ups. 

i tried. don't say i didn't -___-

and now i shall play the waiting game where you come to me. 

donate hair- check!

13 years of friendship and you've not at least texted or called me.

hmmm.. makes me question where our friendship stands.

i got sunburned everywhere today after the ucsd tour.

i can feeeeeel summer right around the cornerrrr~ can't waaaitt!

sigh

why can't you understand why i'm ignoring you....?

i need my space.

i need to find answers for myself.

i need to quit being a "bitch"

i need to believe that you actually care.

i need to cool off.

i need time to try to forgive you for what you did.

i need you to MEAN what you say.

i need you to realize how much i tried, but only to get mistaken.

i need you to learn how to appreciate me...

i need you to realize all the shit you put me through.

i need you to understand what you put me through when you ignored me.

i need you to find some REAL friends, not merely acquaintances that you spill our story to.

i need us to be able to talk about things, not letting it go.

i need myself to give up,... and let you miss me. it's the only way for you to realize that i stayed throughout everything, now show me that you are going to stay too.

& when it seems like nothing worse can happen, it happens.

sigh, pushing people away when it gets hard is what i do best. lol kudossss to meeee.

"A desert blessing, an ocean curse."

that moment after i finished one of the best books ever i’ve read, i just kind of just sat there and thought about what the author meant by this whole story. i know that sounds lame but it just made me wonder how the world just circles around and around like nothing after i just read this amazing book that just had given me some traumatizing realization about life.

i just love how green offered this opposite point of view about things in life. like cancer patients aren’t the RESULTS of what went wrong; they’re merely side effects of horridly combined dna.. and how everyone in the world just wants to leave a mark, any mark at all. a girl with half air and half water in her lungs and a boy with half of a leg.

"It seemed like forever ago, like we'd this brief but still infinite forever. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities."

one last post.

one last post about you.

We've known each other for sooo damn long...and you still don't know what hurts me. I guess you never really understood me from the beginning. When I wasn't what you wanted anymore, it's like I disappeared from your life and wasn't important anymore. Hmmm it's an endless cycle of tryna find your true friends.. who'll stick it through the thick and thin, the good and bad. And I guess you're just not one of them. I think I'm more sad at all the effort, time, and highly sodium-contained water spent on you and all for thisss.. whateverrr thissss is called. I don't think I'll trust and give myself like I did ever again to someone. And when I say I will do something or I promise something, I DO IT. You may say this so many times, but you never followed through. I hope you'll learn to practice what you preach be, it's sosoo important.. no hard feelings.. just feelings of -what could've happen-

"and somewhere along the line, someone gave up"

& that someone is you.

im glad to say that my relationship with my mom is better than ever, stronger than ever. that makes me especially want to stay close to her when i go away to college like irvine or something. but then the thought of even speaking to my dad just pushes me farther away. i can't stand how he is anymore.. at least they're a good example of what i don't wanna become.

my mom is so cool. she's always there to reassure me whenever i'm questioning her about family issues. she just goes "don't you worry about it cause it's not even a big deal" and it usually isn't, but just hearing her tell me that makes things that much easier.

summer 2012 bucket list.

since we have a 4 month break...

1. learn to play an instrument. preferably a guitar...if i can get one
2. learn how to SWIM!! freals thooooo.
3. get my tattooooo :)
4. learn how to drive
5. watch the sunriseee

to be continued..

i am the stupidest person ever. how can i forget to send in my scores?!?!?! AHHHHH. i'm so scared cause the only college that's due that i applied for is irvine and that was the school i really wanted to go.... -__________-

i'm so disappointed in myself. how am i gna explain this to my parents and not get yelled at.... ><