& when it seems like nothing worse can happen, it happens.

sigh, pushing people away when it gets hard is what i do best. lol kudossss to meeee.

"A desert blessing, an ocean curse."

that moment after i finished one of the best books ever i’ve read, i just kind of just sat there and thought about what the author meant by this whole story. i know that sounds lame but it just made me wonder how the world just circles around and around like nothing after i just read this amazing book that just had given me some traumatizing realization about life.

i just love how green offered this opposite point of view about things in life. like cancer patients aren’t the RESULTS of what went wrong; they’re merely side effects of horridly combined dna.. and how everyone in the world just wants to leave a mark, any mark at all. a girl with half air and half water in her lungs and a boy with half of a leg.

"It seemed like forever ago, like we'd this brief but still infinite forever. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities."

one last post.

one last post about you.

We've known each other for sooo damn long...and you still don't know what hurts me. I guess you never really understood me from the beginning. When I wasn't what you wanted anymore, it's like I disappeared from your life and wasn't important anymore. Hmmm it's an endless cycle of tryna find your true friends.. who'll stick it through the thick and thin, the good and bad. And I guess you're just not one of them. I think I'm more sad at all the effort, time, and highly sodium-contained water spent on you and all for thisss.. whateverrr thissss is called. I don't think I'll trust and give myself like I did ever again to someone. And when I say I will do something or I promise something, I DO IT. You may say this so many times, but you never followed through. I hope you'll learn to practice what you preach be, it's sosoo important.. no hard feelings.. just feelings of -what could've happen-

"and somewhere along the line, someone gave up"

& that someone is you.

im glad to say that my relationship with my mom is better than ever, stronger than ever. that makes me especially want to stay close to her when i go away to college like irvine or something. but then the thought of even speaking to my dad just pushes me farther away. i can't stand how he is anymore.. at least they're a good example of what i don't wanna become.

my mom is so cool. she's always there to reassure me whenever i'm questioning her about family issues. she just goes "don't you worry about it cause it's not even a big deal" and it usually isn't, but just hearing her tell me that makes things that much easier.

summer 2012 bucket list.

since we have a 4 month break...

1. learn to play an instrument. preferably a guitar...if i can get one
2. learn how to SWIM!! freals thooooo.
3. get my tattooooo :)
4. learn how to drive
5. watch the sunriseee

to be continued..

i am the stupidest person ever. how can i forget to send in my scores?!?!?! AHHHHH. i'm so scared cause the only college that's due that i applied for is irvine and that was the school i really wanted to go.... -__________-

i'm so disappointed in myself. how am i gna explain this to my parents and not get yelled at.... ><

me and betty's face painting of the deathly hallow sign. hahaha

lalalaaa i will get this month over withhhhh lalalaaaa

i will get this senior seminar overrr withhhhh lalalaa

but the truth is, we all the same

on different teams, but it's all the same

the objective, tryna score.

i am not happy.

although you're basically the closest person to me in my life right now, i feel that i just can't have deep conversations with you. i don't know why.. maybe because i feel that you won't understand? or maybe we just don't talk about those things. i don't like that missing piece of the puzzle. but i'm gladd jessi is someone i can talk to about anything and everything because i think she does understand to a level that you can't.

:/

i've started on my personal statement. i have less than 500 words. and i feel like i'm done. this is nottt goood.

"how do you know if a test is legit? what test do you think isn't legit?"

Kdang: SAT.

ahahahah that made my day. so i'm just another average kid out of the 7 billions of people. lol i knew i wasn't special anyways :( maybe just to my mom.

my mom is the only person that can make my heart stopped...in a scary way. ever since that time in elementary school, i get so paranoid when i find out she's physically hurt. i can't describe that feeling you get when you think you're gna lose someone.. in an instant. like i didn't think of it when i was little, of course... but now i don't know. lol

today, that feeling when i knew she was okay after hearing her scream ...wow.

one of the reasons why i dislike talking to my dad is because all he wants to talk about is money, money, and money. -_____-

i've spent the last hour reading my past post all the way to '08. hahaha :)

so i guess my life's gotten much less stressful since my SAT is over for now and we're finally on our own for senior seminar. but i dunno, senior year isn't as fun as i woulda supposed it would. i think i'm just letting some things hold me back.

.....lol.

i'm so tired

so tired of my parents not being supportive in me. my mom yelled at me for leaving the house so early in the morning.. but she doesn't even know where i went. me and my sister both know that it doesn't matter if i "tried my best" on the SAT. it's either you know it or you don't and if you don't, you're stupid. that's why neither of us told my parents anything. & all i did was accept it.

i miss those conversations where we'd actually talked about meaningful things... not just the usual "whatchu doing"questions. we don't even ask each other about how your day was.